100 Liam Gallagher quotes that prove he’s a comic genius

100 Liam Gallagher quotes that prove he’s a comic genius

With all those damn evil journalists twisting the words of poor, defenceless celebrities, stars are often reticent to speak their mind and offload any potentially controversial opinions. Sticking to safe, bland optimism, interviews can sound horribly repetitive.

UPDATE: Liam Gallagher has spun comedy gold again, revealing that he recently thought he had Coronavirus. Speaking to someone on Twitter he noted about the virus: “I feel like I’ve had it 7 times the last few days then realised the house is just hot.” Given how awful everything is, this is the light relief we all need.

Well, not with Liam Gallagher they don’t. Never afraid to say what he wants, no matter who he offends, the Oasis turned Beady Eye turned solo frontman delivers interview gold whenever he opens his mouth.

Here are his 100 best one-liners: enjoy.

“I suppose I do get sad, but not for too long. I just look in the mirror and go, `What a f***ing good-looking f*** you are.` And then I brighten up.”

“I don`t hate Chris Martin. I don`t know him, know what I mean? I just thinks he`s a bit giddy. He ought to calm down, he isn`t gonna save the world.”

“You never see me down film premieres even though I get invited to about a hundred a week.”

“Name one rock star in Britain apart from a member of Oasis. Name one!”

“I dig it. I’m into the idea that there could be a God and aliens and reincarnation and some geezer years ago turning water into wine. I don’t believe when you die, you die.”

“I f***ing hate Glastonbury, mate. I’m only here for the money.”

“We will be as big as the Beatles, if not bigger.”

“My kids also like that bloke, WhatsApp Ricky. You know, the American geezer, stylish, funny, gold teeth. [when told he means A$AP Rocky] Oh yeah, that’s the fella. WhatsApp Ricky. That’s a better fucking name anyway.”

“I’ve only been down Oxford Street once. It was a few years ago after an awards ceremony. It was three in the morning. And I got arrested.”

“We don’t observe bank holidays in this band. It’s all one big bank holiday, one big fucking day off. But I say good luck to them, man. Fair play to the pair of them.”

“I mean, the devil’s got all the good gear. What’s God got? The Inspiral Carpets and nuns. F*** that.”

“I did the whole Knebworth set in the shower earlier. It was f***ing great.”

“You know them shoes that just come out at you like a f*cking snooker cue? It’s like, ‘Leave it out, man! You got a licence for them bastards or what?”

“Fuck the sea. I ain’t going in that. Fuck that, mate. That ain’t meant for us. That’s meant for the sharks, and the jellyfish, tadpoles and stuff.”

“I’m insulted that people think Noel Gallagher has been fucking carrying this band for the last 18 years. People were saying, ‘Oh it’s going to be fucking shit.’ It’s like, are you tripping or what?”

“I really despise this new fucking disease of indie fucking shit, fucking student music, the likes of Bloc Party and all that fucking nonsense. They don’t keep me awake at night, but it’s just shite, and they can fucking have it mate.”

(On Keith Richards and George Harrison) “They’re jealous and senile and not getting enough fucking meat pies.”

“Chris Martin looks like a geography teacher. What’s all that with writing messages about Free Trade? If he wants to write things down I’ll give him a pen and a pad of paper. Bunch of students.”

(On Wayne Rooney) “He looks like a fucking balloon with a fucking Weetabix crushed on top. He’s better off as a skinhead, isn’t he?”

“Muse fucking scare me. They’re like fucking creepy shit. But people like ’em. They at least play guitars, but when I hear his voice I’m like, Ah, fuck him.”

“I fucking hate Glastonbury, mate. I’m only here for the money.”

“Alan White… oh, I can’t do it. I can’t be arsed.”

“I don’t go out and get wasted. I’ve got kids and they’re getting to that age when they’re like, ‘How come you get to lie in bed all day and I’ve got to go to school?’”

“I’m an average lad who was born in Burnage who played conkers. Conkers, mate. Conkers. The lot. And now I’m in a band and nothing’s changed.”

“I like Noel outside the band. Human Noel – that’s my brother – I fucking adore him and I’d do anything for him. But the geezer that’s in this fucking business, he’s one of the biggest cocks in the universe.”

“Americans want grungy people, stabbing themselves in the head on stage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don’t get it.”

“Discipline? I don’t know the meaning of the word.”

“You’ve seen one of the our gigs you’ve seen ’em all. But if you’re into the music, you’ll know that we played better the night before or we can play better.”

“Everyone’ll be calling their kids Beady Eye by the end of the year”

“It’s Charlotte Church for me, man. She could be the next Liam. She’s got a great voice and she f***ing has it. She knows how to get f***ing hammered and she freaks people out.”

“The Sun? There’s a load of cunts at that newspaper.”

“If I lost my hair you would never see me on that stage again, because there’s no place for baldness in rock n roll”

(On Mumford & Sons) ”Everyone looks like they’ve got fucking nits and eat lentil soup with their sleeves rolled up!”

“That’s the story of my life, mate, I’m always having to go one louder.”

“Turn that fucking shit fog machine off.”

“I said to Marilyn Manson: ‘Your music’s shit, but your f**kin’ show was mental’.”

“They think I’m a big-mouthed cunt from Manchester, and they’d be correct.”

“It’s good people living on your doorstep and looking through your bins. Gives me a kick up the arse. Otherwise I’d just sit around getting fat.”

“I’d have liked to have gone to fucking college, you know what I mean? But we couldn’t afford it. Some of us had to go down and dig holes on the site with fucking Murphy and Dick.”

“I’m moving back to Manchester if City win the league. I’m going to buy a house next to Mani out of Stone Roses and be a real noisy ******* neighbour – hurl abuse at him over the fence.”

“I don’t give a fuck what awards he gets. Ivor Novello Award? What is it? Don’t want anything to do with that shit.”

“The White Stripes? Fooking rubbish. School ties? At the age of 24? Fooking hell.”

(On Mumford and Sons) “I’m sure they’re all nice lads but that’s not for me. They look like fucking Amish people. I need music to be a bit more sexy and played by people who look a bit fucking dangerous.”

“Balotelli’s a character but he needs to sort his napper out. I like characters – if the world was full of fucking Gary Nevilles, it would be bobbins. He looks like an estate agent.”

“If you want to see the opposite sex spout four heads, then exchange a couple of rings. You walk to the altar with a woman with one head and you walk back with a f***ing monster.”

“The Beatles play guitars, we play guitars. The Beatles got hair, we’ve got hair. The Beatles got arms, we’ve got arms.”

“Being me is the best f***ing gig in the world.”

(On Billie Joe Armstrong) “Fuck right off. I’m not having him. I just don’t like his head.”

“If someone’s barking up the wrong tree I sort of point them in the right direction, but other than that I’m not into tweeting – it’s rubbish.”

“Whoever’s throwing things like this on stage…like…if you don’t like the music, f*** off!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever said anything that’s nasty.”

“You see pictures of Bono running around LA with his little white legs and a bottle of Volvic and he looks like a fanny.”

“I refuse to dance. And I can’t dance anyway. I’m not in a band for that.”

“At the end of the day a name’s a name. You could be called f***ing Veiny Love Stick, but if your music’s shit then it’s shit.”

“It’s good people living on your doorstep and looking through your bins. Gives me a kick up the arse. Otherwise I’d just sit around getting fat.”

“If I wasn’t a musician I don’t know. I’d be God, maybe? That would be a good job.”

“I only use my Twitter as a weapon or to say thanks to people or if people are getting a bit fresh. Instead of waiting six months to do an interview, put them into place, do it on Twitter.’

“You’re going to be f***ing arrested wearing [Jay-Z’s Rocawear] gear and you’re going to pull a really nice-looking bird wearing mine.”

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